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Bouts of depression come and go. But this won't depart from me. Déjà vu in the air with every breath I take. Taking me where I don't want to be. With fucked up kids and my dead end dreams, drowning in a sea of them. They were all I had. The high of the floor was the lowest of hell. I was home, I am home. I loved and loathed every second. I hated myself, who I was needed to changed. Never sober. I miss the drugs. But the stench of depression pushes me away from the vices of my past. It pulls me back, every chance they get. Will ever be whole again?
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What the fuck happened to us. It used to be so good. Can you remember, because I can't. I'm so drained from putting in this effort. To have you throw me away like trash in this world feeling nothing and alone. I'm done. Don't look at me like that. You want me to come back. I've done everything. I wish I could take it all back. I shouldn't have done shit. That's what you're into. I'm sorry for wearing my heart on my sleeve and saying what you were to me. Baby that was a mistake, why should I change for you? It's almost like it never started, but it didn't end. So fuck me. Cause you'll get your satisfaction. I'll never love again.
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Say anything to me at all, that will make me change the way I feel. That things were different because you can't make a decision. You don't know what love is. You don't love anyone. Don't tell me I need to love myself. When you can't do the same. You said I'm only as happy as I let myself be. Well I won't be happy unless you're here with me. You said you were different. I thought that this could be better, but that was all bullshit. You're crazy and I was willing to put up with that. I always said I only had eyes for you but you never thought that it was true. Like I said, I'm different. My hear isn't a place to stay for a night- for a week. Lock the door and fall asleep. Forget you ever had the key. My heart isn't a place to stay.
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I get close and they run away. Screaming that I'm just the same. They compare me to the past. Well I can't be like the blood rest. I'm a human with emotions, so sorry for that. But I can't go on with comparisons. Follow your heart. Leave the past behind. Let's make this different. Let's make this better. For the both of us.
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5. |
Better Off Dead
01:27
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Fuck your promise and your dreams. I don't want to hear it, if it doesn't involve me. Fuck this knot you've got me in. I'm tearing out of all these seams. Sick of trying to get you to fall for me. We're already there. You need me. But I've done all I could it. Nothing works. Nothing is worth it. Why are you so shallow? Why am I not acceptable? I thought you were worth it. Worth my time. Worth my heart. I get it. It's not meant to be. Let me go. Let me leave. You won't. As much as you say you don't. I know it's all lies.
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Feeling warmth like being grabbed. I wish I didn't bear evidence of all our scars from the past. Constantly screaming love in my head. Shrug it off, they all do, chopping me up to be insincere. I just care way too much. At least I do. Why does it scare you? Isn't anyone nice to you? Can't you relate to this at all, or am I completely losing it? Why does the warmth make me miserable? The cold makes it worse. Stop pushing me away. Let me into your heart. Mine is not a place to stay. Teach me to love. Everyone else failed. Including myself. I can't be anything to you if I'm just anyone to you.
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I'm nothing, no one, not special. But I gave up on suicide a long time ago. I guess I'm meant to be here. This is the hell I live with. The hell I'm in. Where it's always cold. Nothing feels right. Nothing feels good. Where the words I write aren't written well so I guess that it takes away from their meaning and their worth. What am I even doing? Living a dream that wasn't meant for me- it's a nightmare.
Come at me, I'll resist every inch of you.
Maybe I'm just lazy. I should try harder. Have I not given this my all? Are these words not all of me? Shallow just like what I see in the rest of the world, in me. Walk all over me.
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Girls Just Want To Have Fun East Hartford, Connecticut
Girls Just Want To Have Fun is a hardcore band from East Hartford, CT. We play music reminiscent of early 2000's hardcore, in memory of The Hope Conspiracy, Suicide File, American Nightmare, Count Me Out, and Panic. Yes, we do have a girl in our band.
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